oh my god
its. its really funny. i used to spend so much time on here and now i can barely remember what i even did.
i talked to a LOT of people. i remember a lot of you. phytophyte and knick and cb and zhem and lots of teens from high school and velyan/ect and just so many. so many young'uns
before, looking at my old art used to embarrass me so badly! now the further i go back it just doesnt feel like i drew it. all the stuff i drew before i went to m/cad, i can see traces of myself in, like a tiny part of my true started to manifest in me from three-four years ago. but im not embarrassed because it just doesnt feel like Me
the journals, too. the older they are, the less of myself i recognize.
i called in sick for work today and started thinking about knick's old art because i happened to see an illustration he did on my tumblr dash. maybe ill message him today, too
so a lot of stuff has happened in the last four years and i figure i'll summarize it here in case theres still anyone around from the old days who is curious. and because leaving records of myself on all my old accounts is just what i do best
i did get accepted to M/CAD and now every time i type the name of the college i put a slash in it so that it doesnt show up in searches on twitter, ect
because i dont want to be associated with it. its so funny. teens like me get so wrapped up in college and a Career being the endgame. i dropped out after my first semester of sophomore year. it wasnt for me. i got amazing grades, As and Bs. old people always say that its such a waste for me to not be in college and it makes me roll my eyes. i never liked school in the first place and now i loathe institutions even more than before
i have depression and anxiety and im medicated for it now. it got worse and worse as the years went on, im really good at examining my own brain and personality and energy levels now. i know what sets me off and im aware of how sensitive and thin-skinned i am. sometimes i dont give a shit about what other people think but most of the time it caves in on me, especially since im so scared of being hurt by others. my depression started sapping more and more of my physical energy from the last half of 2014 till november of 2015
it doesnt help that im transgender, too. im androgynous and i use they/them/their. i was always in-tune to my identity. i just didn't have the terminology to explain to state myself as such until i met new and diverse people in college.
its hard to go to college when you're trans and mentally ill, even harder when you know you truly don't want to be at college.
i made a lot of great friends. you cant put a price tag on love and friendship but in this case it was $15,000+ a semester lol
i got friends, i got some chest binders, i dropped out, i got brain meds, i got a full time job in a co-op kitchen, i got an apartment with a friend, i got my old boyfriend, i finally set of a paypal and can take commission (look at me now, 12th grade camille!)
i dont draw as much as any other dedicated artist and im okay with that (it doesnt stop me from being oddly jealous though) (its funny that my title on dA "hobbyist artist" still holds so true) (and my ID picture is still top notch)
in the spring i hope to have a double mastectomy and im starting the process of consulting with a surgeon in january. its nice to go from scrimping pennies in college to suddenly having your savings account be filled up to finally afford surgery (but working 40 hours a week is tiring!) i dont know if id rather be anywhere else though (but a desk job would be nice haha)
im not sure what else i have to say. i wont log in again, at least not for a long time
oh right, monoprice tablets? are the bomb dot comcamille-rollapoid.tumblr.com